He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
