she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
