well I can't set my house on fire every night
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
