Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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