It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just come out here and I will go home with you...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
