don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Randomize
