The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
