hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Randomize
