My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
It's never too late to be topless.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
