Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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