dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
