Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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