I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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