I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
