I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
