rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Randomize
