How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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