Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
