Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
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