That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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