I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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