He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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