Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Let's get the cat blown out
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
