i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
My life is pants optional.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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