I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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