did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
): 100 percent naked, unless you count a tiara as clothing.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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