I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
