You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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