What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Randomize
