I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
only you would photoshop your dick
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
