I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Randomize
