Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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