there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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