Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
