hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Randomize
