capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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