You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
