I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
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