her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
