I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
