I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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