girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
