did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize
