stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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