I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
