I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
