your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
