Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
