headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
