why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
this hospital has no fireball
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
