Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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