I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
