Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
Randomize
