i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
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You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
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I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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