dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Randomize
