I wanna bring you to show and tell
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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